I have a terrible habit of forcing myself to do things even when I’m not quite up to it. Sometimes when I push through the lethargy I’m really glad I did; I end up having a great time that it turns out I needed. Other times it turns out to be a mistake, one I saw coming and made anyway.
Recognizing my limits, however, doesn’t always work for me either.
A few months back I cancelled plans with a friend at the very last minute. I was dressed and everything. But as I looked at WAZE a lot of things hit me at once. In addition to the general stress and anxiety many of us had been contending with all year and the coming onslaught of the holidays, my cat had just died and I had gotten terribly and unusually carsick the day before. My body rebelled against the idea of it happening again.
No matter how much I tried to believe I was taking care of myself in that moment, I felt guilty and I beat myself up about it for a good week or two after. I found myself looking for ways to overcompensate.
Recognizing how consumed by guilt I was, I started to unpack where it was coming from. Sure, it’s annoying when someone cancels on you at the last minute, and no one wants to be that person, but my brain couldn’t let go of the feeling of failure; that I was being weak or lazy or thoughtless. I didn’t want my friend to think less of me or be mad. Not that there was any evidence that she did or would; these were all the fears in my head. And eventually I got to their origin: the people in your life who don’t accept you when you’re not perfect. The ghosts of those relationships were who was haunting me.
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